Editorial Review:
Based on scientific research, this groundbreaking study from the frontiers of psychology and medicine offers startling new insight into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness. Through vivid examples (including his work with victims from both sides of Northern Ireland’s civil war), Dr. Fred Luskin offers a proven nine-step forgiveness method that makes it possible to move beyond being a victim to a life of improved health and contentment.
Cached date: AWS Called=true
You may also be interested in these products:
These categories may also be of interest to you:
Customer Reviews
Average Customer Rating: 
So-So  2008-07-13
I do like the fact that the book says that reconciliation and forgiveness aren't the same thing. I also think renting space to grievances is not a good idea.
However, the book does miss a few things. For example, often a step to forgiving others is the ability to forgive yourself in the first place. I do believe that forgiveness often starts at home, rather with the other person. People blame others when they often can't forgive themselves.
The other problem is setting up realistic rules and expectations for yourself and others--I don't mean unenforceable rules, I mean if you are with an alcoholic, then what is a realistic expectation for yourself and others in the current time and situation.
He doesn't really talk about when the hurt is on-going in the present, he often talks about when the hurt has finished or is past. "It happened 10 years ago..." "It happened last month" But what about the instances where the person keeps hurting them in the present? What are reasonable expectations?
He also uses stories of reconciliation to argue for forgiveness which is odd. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. One should not argue for forgiveness using reconciliation.
He also had a logic flaw on the story about "Linda" and how her husband shouldn't be a liar. To me, people shout things at other people, but it's not the same as what they are feeling, but that's a nitpick. Definitely her rule was to get more affection from her husband, not that he should not lie.
He also doesn't do much about the process of denial...
So overall, this book is good for those whose hurts have ended. They are not good for hurts that are currently on-going--as in the person keeps hurting you as you interact with them. It does not tell how to set yourself up so there is a more positive outcome in the future--most of his stories say that his clients did this, however, he doesn't go into the process of it, just marking that forgiveness gave them the ability, but not seeing how to learn from those mistakes.
He doesn't really go into how to set a reasonable limitation versus an unenforceable rule.
For these faults, the book is fine for most things, but it does not really urge me to really want to suggest it or not suggest it to anyone. What do you do about a person who is not aware that they constantly hurt you in the here and now and you make it apparent to them, but they do nothing or can do nothing about it and don't make efforts towards it? This book isn't good for that sort of thing. If you want that, then look elsewhere.
highly recommended  2008-06-16
If you are furious with someone and the anger is eating you, this is an excellent book to read. It talks about individuals who have faced betrayals, divorces, abuse and deaths, with crippling mental anguish and anger, who learn to move forward with their lives. The chapter with Irish mothers who lost a child is particularly moving. It examines the damage anger at someone does to you and how to move on--it is not a book about condoning any behavior, it is about letting go and moving forward. I found it extremely helpful!
Excellent, But Could Be More User-Friendly 2008-06-16
I am finally recovering from a difficult breakup from a long term relationship. Two big things helped me: One was doing a final "spring cleaning" of all the things my ex gave me, items that were subconscious reminders that it didn't work out, and that my ex was now with someone else.
The other was this book, "Forgive for Good." It's an evidenced-based approach that will help your "planes to land" -- all those thoughts swirling in your head about what happened, why it hurt then, and how it still hurts. The examples in the book are about people who have moved on from some of the most hurtful, sad, and difficult situations imaginable.
This is not about absolving wrongdoing; it IS about helping you to stop spending so much brainpower on it. I can tell you that after spending a weekend reading the book, taking notes, and doing the exercises, I looked outside, and the world looked like a different, better place.
My one complaint about the book is that it was hard for me to see the sequence of steps that would, in the end, help me to move beyond the place where I was stuck. At times the book was repetitive and the connections between steps in the process were a little unclear -- it could have used some graphics, bulleted lists, and editing to make it more user-friendly. I am sharing my own distillation here. But do get the book, as it will flesh this out, and the examples will help you to feel that you are not alone in this journey.
The book points out that a big reason why we feel hurt is because we all have "unenforceable rules" that we expect others to uphold. They may be basic rules, such as, if you're my partner, you should be honest and open with me. Regardless, it's not in our power to make other people behave the way we want to.
When people break our unenforceable rules, we "write tickets," that is, we get mad, frustrated, and hurt. Even though the events happened in the past, we can hurt in the here and now.
If you want that hurting to stop, and land the planes, the book tells you what do. This is *my* adaptation, which may not be the precise steps the author had in mind, but it worked beautifully for me:
AT THE HURT POINT - the moment you realize you're remembering a hurt and going down that familiar path--
1) STOP and ASK: What was the unenforceable rule that I was trying to enforce, and that I am still holding on to? (Ex: My partner should have ....)
2) CHANGE your thinking about what was a *demand* to a *desire*: Change "he/she should have ..." to "I wished or hoped that he/she would have ..." All we can do is hope -- we can't demand that people behave or feel a certain way. When you change your demand to a desire, it is a reminder that we are not in charge of others' behavior. This is liberating.
3) Take two deep belly breaths, and on the third, summon a tranquil scene or a peaceful feeling of gratitude. Hold that thought for a little while continuing to breathe deeply. (The book gives you guidance on how to practice this ahead of time. It makes a difference. You can choose to focus more on the things that ARE working in your life.)
4) Repeat the "HEAL" process - Although the book suggests this is an "advanced" activity, I found it helpful right from the beginning. Tell yourself the following:
H - state what you HOPED for -- the specific, small goal (Ex: I wished the relationship w/ X would have worked out)
E - EDUCATE yourself about the limits in life and the impersonal aspects of the hurt (Ex: (a) Things don't always work out in life; (b) it's common that people get hurt; (c) people don't always *intend* to hurt you; and (d) sometimes people are incapable of behaving the way we want because of their own limitations)
A - AFFIRM the bigger goal. (With a relationship breakup, for example, the bigger goal would to have a loving, lasting relationship built on openness and trust - with *someone.* This specific past relationship was a flat tire along the way. These techniques help you fix the flat, and when you're ready, you can continue to drive down the road toward the bigger goal.)
L - LONG term commitment -- tell yourself you will repeat this process each and every time you have a thought about a past hurt, for as long as it takes.
I found this technique to be very helpful in countering all the negative thoughts that can come up after a breakup. For me, within a few days, the hurts didn't have the power they used to. After a couple of weeks, I felt that the past was finally behind me, instead of dogging my present. Give it a try -- and help your planes to land, too!
Life changing if timing is right. 2008-04-26
This is a very practical, straight forward technique for letting go of what you are holding on to emotionally. It takes doing it, not just reading about it. Since I really needed it and was motivated, it worked spectacularly and helped me turn a major corner. For my friends to whom I recommended it, there were no such miracles: they were not in enough distress to bother doing the exercises. Save it for when you need it, it works.
Promising Start but Loses Steam Fast  2008-01-11
First of all I have to admit I have not finished the book. I lost interest after reading 2/3 of it.
The first part of the book explains what a grievance story is and how keeping it alive is detrimental to one's health and well being. Ok, I buy that and it all makes sense - that's why I picked up the book. I liked how he explains that forgiveness doesn't condone or justify what the offender did to hurt you. The idea that a victim can emotionally disconnect themselves from an injury inflicted on them is intriguing. I wanted to know how to do this so I kept reading.
The problem is that Dr. Luskin only kept repeating the benefits of forgiveness and how his HOPE studies with Irish families who lost family members to murder were so successful. The data he uses to prove the success are surveys completed by the victims, (not medical data) so the evaluation of the success of his studies is quite subjective. I was getting bored with the same message repeating itself so I read ahead in the book. That's where I really lost interest in this one.
From what I gathered in the segments I read, Dr. Luskin is proposing a combination of breathing exercises and positive thinking as a cure for an injury inflicted on a person. While I don't want to suggest that there are not big benefits to breathing exercise or positive thinking, I think there is more to forgiveness than that! It seems to me that most people who need to forgive are looking for their pain to be validated somehow and then they can release it. It's like lancing a boil. Sincere apologies are the best validation but when that is not possible or likely, how does one get the feeling of validation so the pain can diminsh? I guess I'll just have to look elsewhere for the answer.
|
|
